Scary Love

Scary Love

I was waiting for her… waiting to see her… waiting to hold her… waiting to be with her and live with her… those 9 months was a very long wait I felt… especially the last 3 months with all the preparations for her arrival… the nesting phase… setting up her little space in our bedroom… making room for her in our home and our hearts as well… the last three months indeed felt like a century…

~~Arrival~~

Then the day arrived when I said those 3 words to my partner…. No no… it wasn’t 
 “I Love You” … it was “My water broke”… and typical filmi scene did not happen… my husband as always as calm as Buddha even during the state of national emergency he said “I think I need a shower”… and I thought well lets call the doctor first and then get a spa treatment done for some relaxation… well the child birth classes had an impact on us… they asked us to relax during this phase… so we had a nice shower and headed for the hospital…

And finally finally let me emphasize again Finally after 18 hours she arrived… 

***I am skipping the labor phase as I do not want to scare the pregnant ladies our there trying to sip a cup of tea and relax while reading this blog ***

So where was I…. yes finally she arrived… It was an anxiety I hadn’t anticipated… no one can prepare you for motherhood they say… that’s true… I felt like I am holding a fragile baby and am clueless what’s lined up next…

I thought I would get to relax a little after 18 hour ordeal… like literally relax… but my world turned upside down when I realized I would never be able to relax again....

~~ Fear~~

New emotion filled my heart and mind… emotion that I never experienced ever…. Death suddenly scared me… one day after she was born I had a lump under my armpit and the doctor asked for an ultrasound to be done… my heart pounded… I feared what if its cancer… I always thought death was pleasant… I thought I would get to go meet the Lord… it would be so nice and pleasant… but suddenly I did not like the feeling… if I died unexpectedly, I knew my husband and parents and my sibling would go on just fine…. But not this child… especially not now when my body is literally her lifeline… She had broken away from my body, but just barely…

Suddenly I feared dying…

~~ 100 percent dependent~~

People say you don’t know love until you have children. I don’t think that is true. But I do think few people realize love until they have children. We do not feel its mass and weight until that tiny life is dependent on theirs. Like literally 100 percent dependency… no one was ever dependent on me so much… in every way… she cannot function without me… that’s a good and scary feeling at the same time… a huge sense of responsibility strikes in overnight… and no one is really prepared for it… at least I wasn’t…

~~ Why is it so hard? ~~

In my entire life I haven’t loved doing anything as much as I love mothering her…

But why, why is it so hard?

I ask myself this question every single day. So many questions hit me each day… Will I be a tiger mom? Will I be a fun mom? Will my baby hate me for being strict? Will she be a good girl? Will she even remember me later on in her life?

All these questions aside, I love this life. I love the constant teaching moments. I love the craft work. I love cooking with her. (Except the mess she creates after that)… I love our outdoor games…I love the surprise agenda she keeps for me all day long... 

~~ Love the extremes~~

Motherhood drains me dry and simultaneously fills me in… Its utterly boring and simultaneously thrilling… At times I want to push her away and at the same time never let her go… I so want to have a break but when I get one I miss her like anything… I want her to explore the world but simultaneously want to shield her from the scary place… I worry I am not giving enough but simultaneously I worry I am giving too much…. It’s like living in extremes at the same time…

~~ Sleep Deprivation… Nahh!!!~~

Initially months I thought sleep deprivation was the hardest part… but soon realized its not… then I thought the whole taking care of her part was the hardest thing… the juggling and balancing….but no… today I realize the hardest part is taking care of myself… learning to be kind to myself… learning to not live in guilt that maybe I am not a good enough mother to her… Everyday trust me every day I have to fight the guilt and focus on this amazing little creature God has given me and the wonders she does each day….

~~ Life before her~~

How did my life ever have any meaning before her I wonder today… I was only the outline of the woman I am today… Not sleeping for the last 2 years has not made me weaker… it has infact made me stronger…

How we managed to get through all all this… “ Just keep going”

~~ Scary Love~~

The truth is the night my girl was born my husband and I were reborn… I had crashed through my biggest fear of becoming a mother… This love is so big and scary… I have never been loved so much… this little creature everyday showers so much love, insists that I am the one she wants to be with… I am the one she wants to hug… and hugs me as if I was gone for days when I had been to my neighbors place for just 10 mins… This baby loves me so much… yes it’s scary…Damn scary… but it’s pure…

_________________________________Rashmi (15^th May, 2017)