Breathing
Once upon a time ;) … ( I believe when we were kids, all beautiful stories started like that… not sure about you… but at least it made me believe that the story is going to be real good)…
So once upon a time, one good friend of mine told me, that he is living different versions in front of all… He has one version of himself for his family… one version at his workplace… one version for his friends… and all together different version in front of his love…
Back then I didn’t connect to these words much… didn’t realize the intensity of these words… I really didn’t… But today I can…
Somewhere I have come to the realization point that indeed I have different versions of myself… One version I live with in my family… My is worst case scenario I feel… I got one version of myself for my mom… one for my dad and altogether different one for my bro…
When I step out in this world outside… (Ok now that I am jobless) … but few days back when I wasn’t… indeed had different version of myself for my friends… as I said… I am worst case scenario… had different version for each friend…
And one simple version I have of myself… the version of myself I connect the most… the version I have when I am with my Lord… the version everyone rejected… but only HE accepted… the version I just cant dare to show to anyone… I tried to seriously…. It was trampled… it was rejected…
So now I hide this version… keep it carefully aside… and see it once in a while… just to see if this version of me is still alive… all these years… its survived…
But yesterday, she tried to come out… desperately… I pushed her down… told her she is not safe outside here… told her I will deal with outside world…. She can just relax… but she didn’t listen…. She drove me crazy… I kept moving around… trying real hard to suppress her cry… her urge to come out… but she didn’t listen… And finally I gave up… closed my eyes…. And there… tears started flowing… endlessly… to the level… I couldn’t control… it was just flowing…
Surprised me… ages back I had kept her so safe… but today she is out… crying endlessly… and any attempt to control her is going in vain… she is hurt… upset… trampled … insecure… little words… rude words hurt her so much… I told her not to come out… she didn’t care to listen…
Hows she now?
She is quite… suddenly starts crying… I am unable to control her tears… its just flowing…. Just trying my best that she cries in some space alone… so that the versions of her I have created in the family does not get affected….
Numb she has become… quite… silent… I will let her be… not force her to do anything or say anything… seems like she has been through a lot… maybe I suppressed her a lot… but it was for her good… everyone would have killed her long back otherwise….
Trust me… I am happy to see her… But not sure if she will survive for long... this real version of her will not be valued... but today...shes smiling… shes crying… but… above all… shes breathing …
_____________________________Rashmi(23rd September, 2012)
