Scary Love

Scary Love

I was waiting for her… waiting to see her… waiting to hold her… waiting to be with her and live with her… those 9 months was a very long wait I felt… especially the last 3 months with all the preparations for her arrival… the nesting phase… setting up her little space in our bedroom… making room for her in our home and our hearts as well… the last three months indeed felt like a century…

~~Arrival~~

Then the day arrived when I said those 3 words to my partner…. No no… it wasn’t 
 “I Love You” … it was “My water broke”… and typical filmi scene did not happen… my husband as always as calm as Buddha even during the state of national emergency he said “I think I need a shower”… and I thought well lets call the doctor first and then get a spa treatment done for some relaxation… well the child birth classes had an impact on us… they asked us to relax during this phase… so we had a nice shower and headed for the hospital…

And finally finally let me emphasize again Finally after 18 hours she arrived… 

***I am skipping the labor phase as I do not want to scare the pregnant ladies our there trying to sip a cup of tea and relax while reading this blog ***

So where was I…. yes finally she arrived… It was an anxiety I hadn’t anticipated… no one can prepare you for motherhood they say… that’s true… I felt like I am holding a fragile baby and am clueless what’s lined up next…

I thought I would get to relax a little after 18 hour ordeal… like literally relax… but my world turned upside down when I realized I would never be able to relax again....

~~ Fear~~

New emotion filled my heart and mind… emotion that I never experienced ever…. Death suddenly scared me… one day after she was born I had a lump under my armpit and the doctor asked for an ultrasound to be done… my heart pounded… I feared what if its cancer… I always thought death was pleasant… I thought I would get to go meet the Lord… it would be so nice and pleasant… but suddenly I did not like the feeling… if I died unexpectedly, I knew my husband and parents and my sibling would go on just fine…. But not this child… especially not now when my body is literally her lifeline… She had broken away from my body, but just barely…

Suddenly I feared dying…

~~ 100 percent dependent~~

People say you don’t know love until you have children. I don’t think that is true. But I do think few people realize love until they have children. We do not feel its mass and weight until that tiny life is dependent on theirs. Like literally 100 percent dependency… no one was ever dependent on me so much… in every way… she cannot function without me… that’s a good and scary feeling at the same time… a huge sense of responsibility strikes in overnight… and no one is really prepared for it… at least I wasn’t…

~~ Why is it so hard? ~~

In my entire life I haven’t loved doing anything as much as I love mothering her…

But why, why is it so hard?

I ask myself this question every single day. So many questions hit me each day… Will I be a tiger mom? Will I be a fun mom? Will my baby hate me for being strict? Will she be a good girl? Will she even remember me later on in her life?

All these questions aside, I love this life. I love the constant teaching moments. I love the craft work. I love cooking with her. (Except the mess she creates after that)… I love our outdoor games…I love the surprise agenda she keeps for me all day long... 

~~ Love the extremes~~

Motherhood drains me dry and simultaneously fills me in… Its utterly boring and simultaneously thrilling… At times I want to push her away and at the same time never let her go… I so want to have a break but when I get one I miss her like anything… I want her to explore the world but simultaneously want to shield her from the scary place… I worry I am not giving enough but simultaneously I worry I am giving too much…. It’s like living in extremes at the same time…

~~ Sleep Deprivation… Nahh!!!~~

Initially months I thought sleep deprivation was the hardest part… but soon realized its not… then I thought the whole taking care of her part was the hardest thing… the juggling and balancing….but no… today I realize the hardest part is taking care of myself… learning to be kind to myself… learning to not live in guilt that maybe I am not a good enough mother to her… Everyday trust me every day I have to fight the guilt and focus on this amazing little creature God has given me and the wonders she does each day….

~~ Life before her~~

How did my life ever have any meaning before her I wonder today… I was only the outline of the woman I am today… Not sleeping for the last 2 years has not made me weaker… it has infact made me stronger…

How we managed to get through all all this… “ Just keep going”

~~ Scary Love~~

The truth is the night my girl was born my husband and I were reborn… I had crashed through my biggest fear of becoming a mother… This love is so big and scary… I have never been loved so much… this little creature everyday showers so much love, insists that I am the one she wants to be with… I am the one she wants to hug… and hugs me as if I was gone for days when I had been to my neighbors place for just 10 mins… This baby loves me so much… yes it’s scary…Damn scary… but it’s pure…

_________________________________Rashmi (15^th May, 2017)

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother’s Day__________________________________________

Feels so good to sit down and write my blog after ages… Feels like in a blink 3 years have passed….

Getting married for me meant leaving everyone I ever knew… my family my friends…leaving everything I ever did… my job my career… ( thanks to the visa poicy)…leaving the country I ever lived… and moving all the way to a new place a different time zone with a person whom I hardly knew (Back then)…. This meant no emotional support of family and friends around and no job

Contrary to what might happen in a movie, this was real life and I didn’t immediately hook up with a tight-knit group of new friends…  No office meant no co-workers to meet…. in short no social life apart from my husband… Sure, I had “my friends,” but they were now 12+ hours away…Not exactly convenient when you want to grab coffee and talk….

But to be honest I did not regret my decision for a second… the compromise was worth it… I got to spend time with my husband and with his “work from home” policy we really got to live with each other (literally 24*7)… that’s tough as we got no break from each other… haha…

From the corporate worlds four walls I moved into four walls of my house… so the journey of making house into a home began… trust me be it work or home management skills are indeed needed…. My focus and energy went into all of that for the next 2 years of my life… was it worth it… It definitely was… what’s the reward…Yes no month end salary… but lots of love and satisfaction and peace which I had not experienced for quite some time…. My promotions, official foreign tours had not given me that happiness which this 2 year of married life offered me…

Yes I missed my friends my family my city… I missed them lots…. Being in a different time zone and far away meant I just couldn’t talk to them when I felt like or meet them when I wanted to… But that’s a life God offered me and I needed to respect that without cribbing…

So far so good….

But then came another big change in our lives… We became pregnant… Did we plan it… yes we did… did we know what we were signing up for… definitely we didn’t …

 I never intended to be pregnant without friends or family, other than my husband, nearby for support… (Emotional support) …But that’s exactly what happened.. Saying it has been less than ideal would be an understatement.

It’s hard. Very hard.

In the past when my friends would announce their pregnancy we’d rally around them, offering a community of help. I took that for granted, assuming my time would come and I would have the same experience…But my pregnancy started in a lonely city where I had only my husband around… Of course I could call people, and my husband has gone above and beyond in his support... But sometimes you need a friend/family physically near you, not just on the other end of a phone…

On a positive note, my husband and I grew even closer during this time… He was always around… I can’t imagine living with a pregnant wife (First three months indeed is tough) but he never once complained… and those 9 months flew… how I wish I had my friends and family around but again that was Gods will for my life so He did provide me and my husband the strength to go through it too…

Then came the big day when my little bundle of joy made her grand entry… Yes she arrived…. My little winter munchkin…

As they say… no one can prepare you for motherhood… it feels like “on the job” training…. Your baby trains you… one day at a time…

She is 4 month old today and I feel time is slipping by… I want her to grow up but at the same time secretly deep down I wish she stays as little as she is today… Being around her 24*7 is a blessing (which I feel God has given me)… yes its tough again… We get no breaks… if I would be working I would get some “ME” time… I would get to meet my friends at work and do something apart from taking care of my baby full time….

But if i halt and think again this time will pass soon…my baby will outgrow my lap soon... She will grow up soon and walk away too someday... Later even if i would have all time in the world for her she would be busy in her new world.... So I do not want to miss any of her growing moment while I am having my “ME” time… always want to be around her… catering to her little and big needs… being around her both physically and emotionally… 

Want to live each moment around her as long as it lasts....

Finally this mother’s day my baby has given me a chance to become her mom…  I just hope and pray I can be the kind she is looking for…

Happy Mothers Day to all !!!

_______________________________________Rashmi ( May 3, 2016)

True Love, True Trust, True Acceptance!

True Love, True Trust, True Acceptance

When we were young, basics emotions were so well defined in our lives… and we felt it all around us… Love, trust, acceptance… Every little emotion was so very simple… But as life progressed, these basic emotions become so complicated… not sure about you… but it did for me…

More I live this life… more life shows me situations… I feel I have started to understand what all these little emotions are all about… they are huge… and they can’t be experienced in its truest form until we experience emotion that is exactly opposite to these…. Until we stand on the crossroad and we have to choose to love, trust and accept people in our lives no matter what…

How can one learn true love, until he/she is devoid of it… how can one learn true trust until someone breaks their trust miserably…. How can one learn true acceptance until one has been denied acceptance…

It’s easy to love someone who loves you back… trust someone who trusts you back and accept people in our lives who accept us back… but do we always find such people in our lives?.... I don’t think so…

The more I live this life on earth… the more the acquaintance with anti-love, anti-trust, anti-acceptance the more I am experience what true love, trust and acceptance is all about… 

Bible says

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

That’s true love… Isn’t it?

Love is so deep that it takes life time to understand its beauty… it’s not some emotion to be given in return of love… it’s to love someone no matter what…

We all crave for acceptance from everyone around us… be it at home… at our workplace … amongst our friends or elsewhere…. But what we fail to understand is… all we need to crave is for acceptance from God… As its only He who can give us true love in return of our love… and He will never deny us any sort of acceptance… No matter what… He is always going to be there holding us tight even when the whole world denies us…

But the real question is are we ready to deny the world for Him… are we ready to leave our old lives and accept Him in our “Whole” life… not just parts of our lives…not just in the specific time of our life… not just on those special days… not on those moments we are falling… but every moment of our life… are we ready to love, trust and accept Him…

Once we let Him in… completely … then can we experience True Love, True Trust, True acceptance that no one in this world can give us… 

Trust me… None….

___________________________Rashmi (27^th February, 2015)

Must fade

Must fade_______________________

Time passes,

Memories shed,

Strong feelings,

Fade…

Tough times,

Happy times,

Painful ones,

Fade…

Once so strong,

Those moments,

Turn void,

They fade…

Then

From nowhere,

One day,

You feel it,

Again…

You smile,

You love it,

You want to live it,

Again…

But

You reject it,

Run away,

You are prohibited,

To feel it…

Yes that distinct feeling,

That once made you

Happy,

Today, must fade…

_______________________Rashmi(26^th January, 2015)

Joy of being “Married”

Joy of being “Married”

I need Samit in my life, someone who is spontaneous, silly and totally unpredictable… Contrary to what I am… I can be serious too often… Samit does not let me be that way… He is total counterbalance to my tendency to be focused and planned…

He plays tricks on me… like hiding inside closet, behind the bed even though he knows I go crazy searching him…

I have never given it much thought but boy would it be boring if he was serious, uptight, trying to correct always, trying to be perfect always, proper always… it would kill all the fun in our marriage… who wants a perfect husband… too perfect is too serious… yes he is a gentleman and knows how to be well mannered… But the fun side of his is something that keeps me alive…

I have watched Samit laughing during these ridiculous moments, making some really funny sarcastic statements that even shocks Kapil Sharma at times…. And I  wondered why I am not that way…

I tend to be the observer on the sidelines the one to tell the story afterwards… I am the more deeper person… And Samit teaches me to be otherwise…

God knows how to put two people together… When I was younger I thought I would fall in love with this quite, brooding type – The talented artist someone so creative… Someone whose personality would match Randeep Hooda in Highway… (Well for the matter of fact I still find Randeep quite impressive… Hehe)… But I hope you get the point… I imagined being with someone like a Marlboro Man, gruff and scruffy and very manly… I was never the kind of girl who liked poster boys…. Boys with six packs somehow always put me off… Typical was never attractive to me…

When I met Samit, he happened to be the right combination of everything I was looking for and wasn’t looking for… 

But I was drawn to him in an unexpected sort of way — to his unpretentiousness and charm, to his protective and gentlemanly nature, to the ease at which we were able to communicate, to the many similar values and spiritual perspectives we shared, to his bent towards heroism.

But it wasn’t really until marriage that I discovered how fun a person he was. It was a delightful bonus.

Marriage should be fun… Imagine being with someone for decades and decades and taking everything so seriously? That’s probably what would have happened if I married someone I picked! Thankfully, God chose Samit for me. He tailor-fit him to my personality, to my strengths and weaknesses…

Being married to Samit has taught me another way to live — to relax and enjoy a bit of healthy silliness, to not take life too seriously, to plan but not over do it... and enjoy little things in life... as thats what makes life more worth it... I laugh more now. I crack dumb jokes…. and laugh at the silly things too...

But one thing is for sure…I am a better version of Rashmi  because God gave Samit to me.

To the laughs we share through richer or poorer, in sickness or health….for better or worse… These are the little things that add up and become - Joy of being married...

___________________________Rashmi (13 Jan 2015)

Oh you loved me

Parent child relationship is very sensitive… Blind Faith is something a child has on his/her parent… but when that faith breaks and when parental love becomes conditional love… something inside the child breaks… and leaves a life time scar…

Dedicated to all children who have been through that pain…

Oh you loved me_____________________________

Gently you held me as a seed,

Gave me the best spot indeed,

Place I called home,

Place where love was first known…

Oh you loved me…

You nurtured me,

Watered me,

With all your love,

You caressed me…

Oh yes, you loved me…

Slowly I grew,

Roots went deep,

Tall I stood,

I made you proud I knew…

Oh you loved me…

Then one day I heard a voice,

Chop Chop Chop!!!

I looked down to see the face,

My faith in a second was misplaced…

Oh didn’t you once love me….

The axe went through my flesh,

Immense pain I felt,

Was it the blood or was it you,

Which pain was worse I didn’t know…

Oh I thought you loved me so…

One last blow,

And down I fell,

That last breath,

As I stared at you….

Oh did you ever love me…

You were my father,

I was your child,

But you did not cry,

I wondered why?

Oh was your love a lie?

My roots went numb,

No longer was I tall,

You smiled and said,

As I lay down dead…

“Oh why did you fall sick my tree”….

_______________________________Rashmi(22^nd August, 2014)

Go Regret it!

Go regret it!

There is something about this song – “Kal ho na ho”…. I mean cmon I was just thinking about my next meeting with Obama and this song starts playing…

I mean you get the idea. Not sure how to feel about this but it takes me to a different world… Songs like these make me slow down, pause and step back a little and think..

This could have been better? 

Should I do this? 

Am I happy?

Songs like these make me look at my life as a whole… Just like a movie, flashbacks appear… and I see all familiar faces… and all those moments I hurried as if someone had let me lose in the rat race… yaar 3 idiots ka dialogue yaad aagaya – Life is a race… tez nai bhaagoge tho you will die…

But now when I look back… I only wonder… wish itna tez nai bhaaga hota … I would have enjoyed my early 20’s better, which I know will never come back… If you ask me what I did back then…. I can write a white paper on my projects and work and work trips…

My tiny mind now tells me… as kal ho na ho song plays in the background… Regret list is way too high…. The rat race had a price to pay…

And in the process of the rat race, breaking a promise has come naturally to me…

 “I will call you” ,

 “I will send over a gift” ,

 “I will meet you over weekend”…

 and that call, that gift and that meet never happened… Why? … because I was “Busy” …. 

Working and toiling in my office even over weekends… Back then indeed I have disappointed lot of people… I promise I thought I would get a  “Highly Busy” tattoo back in those days… but by Gods grace I am blessed with a loving family and friends who did ignore my busy phase and let me be…

I was so busy to even get married… I still remember whenever my parents would bring up the marriage topic I would give them the look as if they were planning to disown me… but how I wish I was married a little earlier… I would spend some quality time in my 20’s with my husband rather than with my laptop…

 well… husband is a better option than a laptop … wait let me think..

 yes yes surely he is a better option ;)

Well I was busy enough to learn to dance… well let me announce publicly… While the rest of the people scare away the traffic with their gravity defying dance moves in a ‘baraat’, I shuffle around nodding and smiling at relatives I last saw at stone age… even my mom and dad would jump in and do some real disturbing jig with kids half their age, but I just don’t have the rhythm to pull it off… the only and sole person who may come to understand my pain is my husband… yesssssssss…. He cant dance either… match made in heaven right… mereko bhi yehi laga when he first told me that he cant dance… and with tears in my eyes I told him just 2 words – “ I Understand”….

Anyways, this is just a superficial skimming of my regret bank. I haven’t even started  about the bigger skeletons in my cupboard which would need hours of coffee breaks…. I don’t even want to start them as my anti-depressant pills are over and I am not planning to buy any of them anytime soon…

Dont worry... its been 2 years and I have already walked down the lane i call - "Simplified Life"

So time to change the kal ho na ho track and go back to my million dollar question – Agenda for my meeting with Obama…

______________________________Rashmi(9^th July, 2014)