Where's my purpose, dude?

Where's my purpose, dude?

Time : 10:30 PM

Place : Mumbai

A more precise place : On my bed

State of mind : Thinking

Blogging is like making an STD call . Both the things are easier to do at night. While lower calling rates bag it for the STD calls , a more silent room of mine (Without my mom) makes blogging better at night.

Personally, I don’t really like dark things, except Ajay Devgan maybe. But reading about them always left me depressed and suicidal. So I don’t really like poems about heartbreaks and music videos like “Accha Silla Diya”… Yeh yeh don’t give me the stare… I was “One Time” poetess who used to write poems which would make Jim Carry cry his heart out…but then now I feel its not worth it. I love funny things like watching Ganguly bat or reading my marksheets or reading my client mails ;) … So sad hona kya hota hai shaayad bhul si gayi hun…

After ages… today I feel “sad”…I don’t know but do you guys also feel sad suddenly?… so I was trying to wonder why so… I have a decent carrier taking off…( yeh did crash landing a trillion times but now its all well), a family I love, friends I love, and a security guard I am beginning to love… ;) and I finally learnt to cook maggi… So it would take a fully loaded nuclear attack and a couple of Himesh Reshammiya's CDs to make me feel sad . On a related note , I just saw the video of "teri yaad na aye" from Himesh on MTV . The guy is crying lakes in the video . I had this urge to actually reach into the screen , wipe his face with a tissue and say "Na beta , sab theek ho jayega ."… c’mon dude… then why this feeling of being “sad”…

Maybe the project end has suddenly brought a lot of vaccum in my life… and suddenly I have more time to spend… I remember complaining this to one of my best buddy sayig…”dude today I felt I wasn’t productive at work” and he replied saying… “Just enjoy the gift of time… you never had it… jst grab it”… But deep down , the chini mini heart of mine which is oh so bold in front of this world… Is usually scared of the time… as time gives me time to think… which is nott good for my health.. look what it made me and you do.. (Me- Write this blog, U- Read this blog)… hehe…

So today I am thinking…”Whats the purpose of my life”… cough cough…. I know I know that’s a seriousssssss zone.. but seriously dude.. I started thinking… The more I live , the more I realise two things . First , I still don't have a 'purpose' in my life . And second , now that I have lived some more , I have lesser time to find that purpose .It is like 5 years back I was "Chill yar . I am only 20 . Only Buddha found a purpose in life at that age." But Now I am like "Umm . I am almost 25 . And I think I will find a bigger meaning in life right after a little nap. "

Things over the last month have been as fast as a Shoaib Akhtar riding a sports bike . 6 months, 8 flights… I have traveled between countries , made some never-seen-before changes to my life, been through some personally challenging times , did things which altered my opinion about myself ( I am more beautiful than I thought I am ;) ) , and even downloaded Bappi Lahiri songs during a particularly intense moment of emotion. But still , I need to let out something .

I have made my mistakes , more so in personal life (Lets keep it closed) , but then , brooding over things is something I am not very capable of . But if I look beneath the surface , behind all this , I am still walking on a road with no idea of my destination . Not that it troubles me too much . Maybe there is no destination at all , maybe the destination is not important . Maybe it’s only about living each day as you want to live it . But still , it feels like I am still searching for something .Like I am still waiting for a feeling of homecoming .I am told this is not the case . But I can’t deny this feeling . I am still not home. And I don’t know if I ever will be . But then , I live this life .I live whatever it gives me.

Work indeed helped me in the past… it still helps me… its stressful…. But it helps me to “Not” be me… to just not give time to things that really bother me… But one incident just shook me completely …it was my night shift… 6:00 PM to 3:00 AM… at 5:30 PM my net at home stopped connecting… I got totally worked up… my mom just couldn’t understand… (a) she was bearing with a daughter who had become a work zombie and was just not physically present at home (b) even if she was at home,she could see her with her laptop… I panicked… called up my friend to get his USB … luckily that also didn’t work… my friend told me casually… inform office that u cant work today… I gave him the look that said “Are you insane!!!”… I immediately got ready,rushed to work… had a client call in 30 minutes which I didn’t wanna miss… mann now I wonder… was this world ending…. In the midst of all that my friend called me… I answered harshly “Dude I am busy”… all he said was… “Please call up home… after you left, your mom was really worried about you… worried about what this work is doing to you”… somewhere that hit me hard… Socha bahut hua… whats the point of working like this when my parents themselves are not happy …

Yeah but i still strongly believe that "The most uncomfortable person is the one who is not himself"... and i think at least i can strive hard to be "me"... if nothing more...

Sigh!!!

Whoa ! Chill Yaaro . There was a bunch of really verbal Punjabi dogs right outside my window at 12:30 in the morning , and since they wont let me sleep , decided to see if I can pen down some words . So chill . It takes something as grave as back to back screenings of Karz and Phoonk to depress me .And all the angry guys commenting here , You are always fun to have around...

Oh… you were waiting to hear the purpose of my life… Try contacting me when I am 50… at least till then I should be ready with some sensible answer ;)…

And to all those yelling and asking my address to personally kill me… all I wanna say is… “I love you all too ;)”

___________________________Rashmi(17th August, 2011)